The Pill

I’ve  never been on the pill because i’ve never understood it, I mean I’ve never got the concept i.e the entire point of it.

 I took one look at a friend’s pill packet once at around the age of 15 and read the side-effects: blood clots, thrombosis, strokes.. and thought “No Thanks, not for me”.

I knew it couldn’t protect you from STDs.

My first boyfriend gave me regular rip-roaring orgasms at the age of 14. I was with him for a year. We never had intercourse. …We used to lie skin to skin all night. Ah…I have a lot of fond memories of that boy.  Love you K.

The older men get the worse they are in bed. Men know shit about sex compared to teenage boys. Because they come across porn and mistakenly believe that it has something to do female sexuality.

The older I got, the more I too forgot my own latent sexuality and re-modelled it on the popular culture, or on what the man I happened to be with wanted. I lost myself.

Nobody once ever told me once that I didn’t have to have intercourse ever, and that what me and K got up to at the age of 14 was  as good as it gets!

Nobody told me that after hot teen lusting it’s downhill all the way, and that the intercourse you’ve been holding out for- the secret you’ve been waiting to discover-is going to be the biggest anti-climax of your life. 17 I was, and IT. WAS. SHIT.

All you hear is that if you want a man, which for a het woman translates into if you want love and affection in your life then you must have intercourse.

 From BDSM to missionary to threesomes, condoms were what I used. Can’t say I didn’t enjoy it either, but the point here is that it didn’t beat what me and K had. It wasn’t better. By a long shot. But it was a helluvalot riskier, because the condom could always split. And although I came, I felt used afterwards; and unutterably alone.

I have come to the conclusion that my experience with K was a fluke. I thought it was the norm among het couples, but it was an accident by all accounts, and it’s very rare for a  het couple to go a year or more having orgasms without intercourse. If I hadn’t had that experience, then what could I compare intercourse with? And what happens to all the het girls who don’t come across a K at the right time?

But if I’m truthul, my lax attitude towards the pill came from the fact the morning-after pill was easy to come by. I realise that in some countries it’s unavailable, in which case the pill would have been more of an issue. But where I was, if there was an accident or mistake, you could always  take the emergency pill, so why bother popping a pill every day.

If the morninfg after pill hadn’t been available, if there was no back up plan to the condom splitting, would I have had the guts to say no to intercourse to protect myself and my body?

I believe the answer is: probably not. Deep down.

Which begs the question: How much self-loathing does a person harbour if they are willing to put their body at risk of pregnancy or STDS, or strokes or thrombosis because they don’t or won’t or can’t say no to Intercourse.

And how much indoctrination does it take for a human being to see herself as so worthless that her body not worth protecting?

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18 thoughts on “The Pill

  1. would I have had the guts to say no to intercourse to protect myself and my body?

    I believe the answer is: probably not. Deep down.

    Good post, but don’t be too hard on yourself. The grooming for females to become heterosexual and go along with the manzatory piv thing is huge. And that is where the real blame lies, not with the individual’s will to say no.

    It’s a mass belief system, not unlike the centuries where absolutely everyone believed the world was flat and you would fall off the edge if you sailed too far. If you said the world was round, everyone would call you nuts. Except, it was the majority in the misbelief mode.

  2. Thanks FAB libber. You’re right. Intercourse is a mass belief system. I feel angry that sex edders, magazines etc talked about the pill as though it was part of life. Friends of mine were on the pill to clear up their acne FFS. It’s like a religion and it has done NOTHING to liberate women, and a LOT to line the pockets of the pharmaceutical companies.

  3. Nobody told me that after hot teen lusting it’s downhill all the way, and that the intercourse you’ve been holding out for- the secret you’ve been waiting to discover-is going to be the biggest anti-climax of your life. 17 I was, and IT. WAS. SHIT.

    god this is so true. i still remember the best “sex” of my life, the hot teen lusting as you say…there wasnt nearly enough of it, and if i had known then what i know now, i would NEVER have had PIV and i would have absolutely insisted on long makeout sessions, as often as possible. if they got insistant on the PIV, i wouldve found someone else to make out with. (you know, assuming that they didnt fucking rape me anyway, as we know its very dangerous to insist on “just foreplay”). it NEVER got better than that, and it never will. *if* i can ever get back to the way it was pre-PIV i will consider myself so lucky, and i will probably cry for a week out of relief and gratitude. i dont see this happening, at all. not with a man, thats for damn sure.

    • *if* i can ever get back to the way it was pre-PIV i will consider myself so lucky, and i will probably cry for a week out of relief and gratitude.

      Amen.
      I remember you saying in one of your posts that even with “foreplay” (which is basically a word that implies PIV is the MAIN EVENT) when PIV began it signalled the end, the fun was over.

      And yes, it’s dangerous to insist on just foreplay. Teh menz can’t “control” their urges, (primal, unevolved, hormonal creatures that they are…)

      After K, I met a nice teenage guy at the age of 16. S and I were PIV-free for a year, which is a long time, and I had a blast. Then both of us thought we might as well get it over with, and so we did it (after a few failed attempts). And it was shit. And then I couldn’t go back. So every make-out session there was always PIV looming there at the end. And I liked it, it felt good,.But it wasn’t BETTER. And it wasn’t WORTH the aggro (aggrivation,stress), and there was always a sort of hurry then (on his part) to get foreplay over with. It changed him.
      Perhaps I should mention at this point I met up with K again in my early twenties. What a let-down. He’d forgotten how to make love to a woman….

  4. K’s castration process under the patriarchy was complete. He went from being the most sensitive lover in the world at the age of 14, to forgetting how to make love to a woman and thinking it’s all about PIV.
    If I wasn’t a radfem I would really feel sorry for the way men’s lives are destroyed as well. Their ability to experience intimacy with another human being is knocked out of them early on and this disability then stays with them for the rest of their lives.

  5. ” I took one look at a friend’s pill packet once at around the age of 15 and read the side-effects: blood clots, thrombosis, strokes.. and thought “No Thanks, not for me”.”

    I hope you’ll forgive a brief personal narrative on this topic: I’ve been on the pill for 10+ years. Last week I had a case of pneumonia, but for a few days the docs thought that I actually had had a pulmonary embolism. This was because of my symptoms and the fact that I was on the pill. Needless to say, this scared the hell out of me.

    It’s not fair that I should have to experience these side effects just so that he can enjoy PIV with me! It is not fair. I am angry. Even though the diagnosis of a blood clot in my lung turned out to be incorrect, it is still true that I could get one at any time. This potential side effect is real. It doesn’t just happen to other women—it can happen to you (and me). So when this packet of blood clot inducing “medicine” runs out, I’m getting off the pill. What will I do for birth control instead? Will I stop engaging in PIV? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I’m actively working at answering them.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this issue.

    • hi dasunrisin,

      I remember another radfem saying that she remembered thinking as a teen that you had to take medicine if you had a boyfriend. I think that about sums it up!!

      Condoms are okay, much safer for the woman, although men say they don’t like them because of the lost sensation… but that’s not as important as an unwanted pregnancy now is it…and they’re still not 100% effective.

      Men need to re-learn other ways of having a good sex life (I say re-learn because my experience with teenage boys tells me they DO know how). The problemis that their sense of masculinity is bound up in ramming their male member into a woman/women, which is very worrying thought,, because it reduces women to mastubatory aids and fuck holes… NOT that I think this is done knowingly on their part in all cases.

  6. It’s not worth it. I was on the pill when it first came out. It was later found out to be very dangerous because the doses were so high. I was only on it for 3 years, but still worry about long term effects decades later. If I could start my life over I’d never have PIV ever. I’d probably not have sex of any kind with a man, either. I am coming to understand how much I was colonized by sexual interaction with men. In my experience, it is not really intimacy on the man’s part, only on the woman’s. Maybe pre-PIV teen age boys (a few) are different, and I think men need intimacy. However, they are not capable of it. Only of colonizing women. Intimacy is a part of the colonization that they do. It is not what I thought it to be. They never dedicate themselves to intimacy, because I don’t think they are capable of it. This is not bitterness, but just seeing it all in retrospect somewhat cooly. Though some fetishize women and it appears to be intimacy. Knowing what I know now, if I had it to do over, I’d never have sex with men, period. (And I’d have the period, with no worries 😉 ) So not worth it. I’d either be celibate or a lesbian. Both are rich lifestyles from what I now see. Touching is a big part of it. We are starved for touch, but don’t need the colonizing touch. Really, I can not imagine intimacy with a colonizer. It’s impossible to find a man who is not. I’m of the mind now that any male-centric system of intimacy is not normal, not natural. Seriously. Look at them. PIV? PAH!

  7. You’re right Katie. And touching is why we love children, pets and old women. Touch an old woman today. You will be really glad you did.

    Dasun I suggest you line up a supply of Plan B and know where the willing pharmacists are if you are going to continue PIV. I won’t be one to condemn you if you don’t stop. But, I think one day you may.

  8. Thanks, CBL and jilla. In thinking it over, I am realizing how much touch is restricted and what an important part it plays in the enslavement of women. If you want to be touched and to touch, just have more babies. You cannot touch people of your own sex, at least not for long, only hetero touching is permitted for any extended time, other than kids. And yes, older women are seen as not being important enough to touch since they can no longer make babies. I guess pets are it, then. 😦

    • Yes,,, women are *designed* to be tactile creatures… . Men are probably born tactile (though not as much as women) but then masculine culture squeezes it out of them.

      Jesus Christ though, you should try living in Japan! THey are the most touch-starved nation in the world. They bow when they greet each other so they never even shake hands. Even mothers are quite stiff with their children. Grandmothers too aren’t as tactile as in other countries. The entire nation is starved of affection. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that it’s also very patriarchal. The two probably go together.

      So yes, babies or women it is. I do think that touching other women is more allowed in some cultures than others. I remember an Indian friend of mine spontaneously offering to massage my hair with olive oil. And it is acceptable in England too among teenage girls until they pair off with men in their twenties. IN RUssia het teenagers can hold hands walking down the street…. But in all these cultures it sort of becomes taboo when women hit a certain age 😦

  9. And even families and individuals differ within those cultures. And what about lesbians, whom uninformed hets think are deviant, and fear for their children around them. I’ve seen it. Who touches them?

  10. CBL, sending you {{{HUGS}}}, {{{HUGS}}}, {{{HUGS}}}. When you said that about Japan, my heart went out to you. I grew up in the U.S. Midwest, where people are less formal and touch more. Then I moved to New England and felt quite lonely there. Finally, I figured out that it was the stand-offish body language that communicated that people did not want to be touched. Probably my less stand-offish body language was difficult for them, too. Knowing this helped me deal with it some. Of course, living in Japan there are many other cultural differences than regions of the U.S.

    jilla, that is so central to the way lesbians are treated. What you said brought this into focus in a new way for me. It seems a key part of lesbophobia. Making all women feel isolated and dependent on men.

  11. How many women offer themselves up to get fucked by a male because they are starved for human touch?

    I don’t dare touch a het woman for fear she’ll consider it to be sexual assault. But if I touch another lesbian, she’ll think it’s a come-on.

    I’ve often thought that it would be nice if women could do a “non-sexual touch” event with each other, the way they do yoga or something.

    25 years ago, I kept a cow for the house, and milked her twice a day. 😀 Lots of body contact there. A milking stool, with my head and shoulders against her huge body. 😀 She stands as a large serene warm intelligent female presence in the centre of my life. I found her when I was 38, left her when I was 43. I still miss her, and have sometimes had dreams about her.

    PIV has poisoned my life. I wish I had never experienced it. It makes me hate having to remember my life,

    • Thanks for the hugs, Katie. At least I know what’s missing, so that’s something. The day you’ll need to feel sorry for me is the day I think *not* touching others is a normal way to live 🙂

      “How many women offer themselves up to get fucked by a male because they are starved for human touch?”

      God, what a question! How many indeed?

      Verrry interesting about your cow 🙂 We’ve just got a cat and my daughter just holds her all the time.

  12. “I don’t dare touch a het woman for fear she’ll consider it to be sexual assault. But if I touch another lesbian, she’ll think it’s a come-on. How discouraging, Mary. I’ve been thinking about this post and how the patriarchy has redefined nearly all touch in terms of sexuality. It has been picked up by everyone, including lesbians defining touch as sexual these days. I feel like you do about PIV poisoning your life.

    Your cow story brought tears to my eyes. Cows are so wonderful. I used to visit a neighbor who had a cow, and I always touched her. Years ago, but I still can feel what it was like. It was a way of communicating with her. This cow was such a large animal and sweet.

    I’ve had non-sexual touching relationship with women (both het and lesbian) and gay men. I mean where we cuddled up in bed and slept non-sexually together, or held each other and talked for a long time. I tried this a few times with het men who were friends(?), who seemed very clear about the terms of the agreement going in to it. They never got it. I don’t know if they were lying from the start or just unable to understand this idea clearly enough to make it work. This was long ago, people I knew were more hippie-like, then. (Though this touching never included drugs or alcohol). I would love to have these kinds of relationships, now, but am hard-pressed to see how that would happen. However, I don’t believe it would include gay men. My awareness of their misogyny is too clear, and I would not desire closeness for that reason. Obviously, I don’t think it healthy for me, either.

    I have had elderly female relatives that I gave back rubs to. They loved it. Started during a hospital stay for one of them. This was more recent than the hippie days.

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